99 problems and that bitch in Malacanang ain’t one

Thanks for reading my first entry, hope you can relate to a guy with a tart tongue.

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10 Most Downer Aired Shows on Free Philippine TV

10. Joaquin Bordado [ GMA 7 (2008) ]
– OK, so a guy with a lot of tattoos coupled with a bottleful of angst is the hero. See? It got deflated in the ratings war by Cesar Montano and a microphone. That’s how down this show is.

9. Tied for 9th: Ang Tamang Daan [ Net 25 ] and Ang Dating daan [ UNTV ]
– If there was a record for the biggest on-air verbal catfight in Philippine TV history, this rivalry is for the books. Both traded blows and bitchslaps by engaging in debate confrontations (with one side or the other backing out like a wussy), legalized proselytization, converting a few of their opponents’ members into their loyal acolytes, exposing their opponents’ religious tenets’ flaws and misconceptions, and a lot more of verbal jousting and sarcastic badmouthing. I was also amused that both parties managed to acquire video shots of each others’ churches and services, and both claimed that their voice audios were spliced from their other speaking engagements, probably the same way as the “Hello Garci” taped scandal. The only downer for this segment is that these groups fought like immature people. Currently they’re dormant, but it’s the same case with dormant volcanoes, just internally agitate it and see what happens.

8. One vs 100 [ ABS CBN (2007-2008) ]
– Truth be told, this show is a great one in general, from concept to execution. The problem is that it was placed on dead-TV hours (times when people are having dinner or preparing for dinner) and in between two very shitty shows, it was destined to be a ratings disater, and eventually ended up in the dumps.

7. Whammy! [ GMA 7 (2008) ]
– What a big pile of sh*t. Contestants getting a bucketful of cake, goo and whole other liquidy stuff just because they randomly picked a Whammy picture on the pick screen. Not to mention the prize money is just paltry, the probability of the contestant winning big bucks is a tad higher than winning a lottery jackpot, and this show is a ratings disaster. Good thing GMA7 pulled the plug quickly.

6. Tied for 6th: 24 Oras [ GMA 7 ] and TV Patrol World [ ABS CBN ]
– Both shows start with a “Good Evening” greeting and tells you the reason why it isn’t a good evening as the news show goes on. They mostly focus on insignificant details, police station fodder, showbiz shit, and the usual political gangbang. They portray the day so badly that GMA7 even made a news segment called “Good News”, showing that good news really is just 1% of their total news output. You don’t have anything to be happy about in the news. All those news agencies care about is report every gruesome shit they find on their toiletbowls and flush it down your mouth. Sensationalism on their part is as normal as seeing a cat licking itself.

Typical dialog goes like this:
Mel: “Magandang gabi, ito ang 24 oras…”
Mike: “…dahil di NATUTULOG ang BALITA!”
Mel: “Lima ang patay sa isang MILF ambush…”

Bullshit. Watch this brand of straight-bitching news and be depressed all night long. If I am to tell, truth hurts except if you tell it in a way that lessens the impact of the truth without compromising its integrity. It’s like the difference between telling your enemy “you suck” in a Clint Eastwood-style-cool voice, or you use Simon Cowell’s voice and mannerism.

5. Dyesebel [ GMA 7 ]
– Simple enough. Banking from Marian Rivera’s controversial role as “Marimar”, GMA 7 decided to mold another show that resembles the Marimar plot too much: “Dyesebel”. And that, folks, is called “recycled”. Sh*t. She acts like a bitch with a stick up her ass, her leading man looks and acts like a 90210 ripoff, the plot is obviously horsefeed, she wears makeup thicker than Kiss, and she sucks big time. And you may ask: “sucks” who? Now that’s a good plot.

4. Tok Tok Tok [ GMA 7 ]
– In subjecting artists and contestants alike to some very disgusting shit while scantily-clad shrilly-voiced girls keep repeating lines of crap, this show has all the bad things Fear Factor doesn’t have. This sucks worse than… well, “sucks”. Truth be told, when this show goes on the air, I wanted GMA7 to instead amuse me by announcing that “We interrupt this program to bring you loud static”, which frankly, would be more amusing than 1,789 episodes of Tok Tok Tok.

3. Pinoy Dream Academy, Season 2 [ ABS CBN ]
– If I am to be frank, this show is downright depressing. When did a singing show become such a reality-based bullshit? The answer: when Pinoy Dream Academy hit the TV. Combining training for vocals with drama, suspense, action and a whole lotta elements commonly found in cow dung, this show trains its contestants to turn into singers with cathedral-sized egos and marketing machinery with the same effectivity as voodoo curses.

When I had summoned enough intestinal fortitude to watch one full week of this crap to fully see how their shit factory works, I found out the truth: It’s not shit – it’s WORSE than shit.

I mean, their show is like this:
ABS-CBN “Executive” : Oh God, that American Idol is making a killing. Shit, shit, shit.
Brainless Idiot : Hey sir, I have a very fucking great idea.
ABS-CBN “Executive” : Don’t outfuck me, bitch. Now, what’s your “Fucking” great idea?
Brainless Idiot : There’s this new shit going around the world named “Star Academy”, which is also produced by Enema… er, Endemol, which could net us some shitload of bucks!
ABS-CBN “Executive” : Stop swearing, you faggot. Now that’s a better idea than pairing Judy Ann with a chicken crap recipe. I’d contact Endemol, how’d we get this Reich running full steam?
Brainless Idiot : We’d set it up like Big Brother – I mean, we fucking set a building with those one-way mirrors we bought from those porn makers, we hire some big-name people to babysit these singing bushbabies, and let the sing on weekends while the babysitters kiss ass. Meanwhile, we also monitor their so-private shit moments and make it like Big Brother – with singing. Hahahahaha!
ABS-CBN “Executive” : Hahahahahahaha! Hihihihihihihihi! Bweheheheheheheheh!

What’s the fucking use of their grading system when eventually popularity will help you win the whole bitchload in the first place? If a certain singer sing like William Hung, yet has that face like Brad Pitt, I think that singer have a chance to win this contest. See?

Class dismissed.

2. Judge Bao [ ABC 5 / TV 5 (2007-2008) ]
– Now, a man with a moon-shaped protrusion on his head is the main guy. With below-standard dubbing, obvious references to Chinese kung-fu fodder and throw in pathetic pyros and stupid storylines, not to mention the most cornball of theme songs to date given this show, even the commercials are real downers. Rating: Lame.

ALL YOUR JUDGE BAO ARE BELONG TO US
EVERYBODY PANIC

*intentional :)*

1. Wowowee [ ABS CBN ]
– Frankly, this show sucks the most. If Willie Revilla-makes me sick, this show makes me puke. I do not understand how these shows’ producers even have the intestinal fortitude to claim that they help the poor while in fact they subliminally promote poverty. This show, hands down, is the most depressing show I have ever seen, because I am so disgusted by the way this show uses poverty to generate income. Sad but true.

Typical dialog would include this:
Willie: “O ineng anong pangalan mo?”
Contestant: “<insert name here> po pappy! Pangarap kong mayakap po kayo!”
Willie: Sige, yakap lang.” *hugs contestant sabay kiss*
Willie: “Ano trabaho mo?”
Contestant: “<insert low-level job title here> po pappy, bumubuhay po ako ng <insert number more than 5> anak pappy!”
Willie: “Wow, mga kababayan, palakpakan natin si <insert name here>!” *all claps*
Contestant: “Pero alam nyo po pappy, <insert sad story here>…”
Willie: “<insert sympathy dialogue here>… <insert story lengthener here>… sige pwesto na tayo dito sa game, simula na tayo.”

How shitty.

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Edited quotes to suit my taste:

The early bird … has an alarm clock.
The pen is mightier than … my History college professor.
A man’s true wealth … consists of his friends, his deeds and his family.
There is no better advisor in life, other than … yourself.
It is easy to be kind, but the difficulty is … removing Wowowee from Philippine TV.
Friends may come and go, but enemies … are pain in the asses.
Keep your friends close, keep your enemies … somewhere in Baghdad.
If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally … kick ass.
An apple a day … is just plain stupid.

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Thank you ladies and gentlemen.
If there are any questions, you may direct them to the nearest wall near you.

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~ by lancelotreadman on September 9, 2008.

3 Responses to “99 problems and that bitch in Malacanang ain’t one”

  1. Keep on blogging.I enjoyed reading.Keep it up.
    forward me your url and I connect you to my site.

  2. I agree with you on Wowowee 100%

  3. What’s more shitty is the contestants state on TV their miserable state of living, the hardships, the social injustice etc., others crying even, and then Willie shouts on the top of his irritating raspy voice “Anong gagawin mo”? That’s the cue when the contestant shames himself/herself on TV … yeah, that’s how you do it, work for your money.

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