Break Down The Fucking Walls

So for a little tribute to one of the baddest asses in the world, let’s view it in a different perspective: How about if Willie Revillame was… WWE’s Chris Jericho? let’s see….

Setting: March 11, 2006 12 PM

Willie Revillame:  
WELCOME TO… KAPAMILYA… IS… WILLLIIIEEEEEEEE!
(The crowd cheers loudly.)

Willie Revillame:  
And this is not a mirage! This is not JocJoc Bolante! This is real! This is here! This is now! This is the second coming of WA… WOW… WEE…!
(The crowd cheers loudly again.)
You remembered! I want you to take out your China-made Iphones, text your friends, take a picture, shoot a video, send an E-mail, incite a stampede, call them all, pull a zero-one out off a gadget, and tell them that the Dododo Dadada shit song is back, bay bay!
(The crowd explodes in cheers and a few Willie chants yet again.)

Willie Revillame:
And I promise to bore you, to deflate you, to embarass the whole country in front of your couch-sitting ass, and I invite you to march to the US Embassy, get a plane ticket to go to the USA, ease the seat back, click it into gear, and be an American citizen, cause from this point forward, it’s -100% entertainment, -100% electricity, 100% cow feces, 100% Willie Revillame!
(As the crowd goes into cheering mode again, Joey De Leon, who’s been looking from Bulaga!, can’t take it anymore.)

Joey De Leon:
Weyt a minit! Weyt a minit! Who the hell do you think you are!? The last time I saw you, Willie, you were getting cheap pay in ABC5 with Maui Taylor! And it’s a good thing too, cause if you would’ve stayed on ABC5, it would’ve just been a matter of time before I deflated your stupid shows and end this game fixing shit before ABS-CBN rehired you after GMA7 gave you guesting gigs!
(The crowd boos Joey for interrupting.)

Joey De Leon:
So tell us. Tell us, o “Pappy”. What’s so important that you had to come back. What exactly… what exactly are you saving us from?

Willie Revillame:
Well, your boring “Wala Ka Sa Kung-Sino-Mang-Kamaganak-Ko” tambay segment for one.
(That comeback got the crowd popping again.)

Willie Revillame:
You want me to continue? How ’bout saving us from that face o’ yours that looks like you got deflated in a vulcanizing shop? Or your… (mocking emphasis here) …monotonous, stupid-Japanese-accent-in-Takeshi’s-Castle, lame Starzan columns, and especially your Dunkin Donuts commercials? (end mockery)
Or how bout I save us from your donut-eating ass, your balding hairline, your column shit with Philippine Star!?
(The crowd cheers at the hilarious comebacks.)

Willie Revillame:
But most importantly, Joey De Leon, this show came back to save the country from being pathetic to being a super-pathetic one. I’m gonna relaunch my show and make the poor masses kiss my white ass six times a week and deter them from watching better shows, like what shows C/S has to offer on the noontime, which by the way, is INFERIOR compared to my excrement factory.
(That declaration, more than anything, set the roof off the building.)

Willie Revillame:
Because the first chance I get, I’m gonna relaunch my Wowowee show, do a little controversy here and there, create a little stir, include myself in an annulment case and a hot car, attract the poorest of the poor and all the while earning paychecks like clockwork. And I’m gonna buy better Ferraris, eat foie gras and travel a lot, (gestures to his wallet) and when I do, ABS-CBN, the whole Kapamilya company, noontime entertainment, ENTERTAINMENT entertainment, the state of Quezon City, the Philippines and wherever my shitty show will take a dump next, the Western Hemisphere, the Planet Earth, the heavens above, the galaxies, the Crab Nebula, THE UNIVERSE ITSELF!…
(He takes a pause; fans sing along the next part.)

Willie Revillame:
…will never… never… NEVER… EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR be the same… again!


Yeah right.

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~ by lancelotreadman on September 27, 2008.

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